It was a nippy 20 something degrees.  F.  Not C.  A chilly run with me in sweats, mitts, and a hat.....long time since that has happened.   But I am setting goals for myself: as in getting rid of that Texas 10.  We will refer to it as aTm....Abolition of Texas Muffintop.  Only Texans will get that.  Or people around me if you have seen my sweatshirt and know what it is.    I have got to get reclimatized...

Because of one 11:30pm hockey game which took my breath away.  Literally.  Thankfully the coach knows me and understood why I couldn't breathe after the first period.  "You're an athlete Julie.  You'll adjust quick."  I hope so...because that was brutal.

A lot has happened already:  Family friend passing away.  Saying goodbye to another friend dying of cancer.  Mom with H1N1.  Finding out I will move back to the exact same place I lived before.  Job leads in Houston.  The MASSIVE irritating issues with Canada Customs and my car.....  (The string of four letter words in my head that day were not very Christlike and did NOT include "cute" and "nice" in that list of words).   Expensive to bring her back.....  I am still irritated with that whole thing.  Good thing it wasn't a BMW or a Lexus.    It probably isn't really so much about the car anyway.  It's about being forced into a life here that I just do NOT want.   Calgary is not a bad city.  It's really not.  It's the Houston of Canada anyway, and it's got a lot of great things going for it: wonderful people, good opportunities, etc.  But I don't want my life here.  I know people don't understand that, but they forget, I left this country 14 years ago to go to Ukraine. I have NEVER intended to live here, and I still do not.  I don't feel any different about living here than I did 2 years ago.  Nothing bad is happening here at all (mind you old habits die hard.....over and over and over again we go.....fun on my floor...sigh), but I don't like living here.    And then to have the most bizarre string of circumstances bring me back, when I have ZERO desire, is just....it just feels wrong.  I can not wait to move back to the south.   I have a plane ticket to go visit next month already.  I am so homesick for Texas it's not funny.

A lot of people ask about how things are going here.  I don't know how to answer those questions either.   They  say (according to some magazine or another or whoever "they" are...ever wonder that?) one of the most annoying phrases is "it is what it is."   That's all I can say about things here.    It is what it is.   I feel like I am going backwards in life.   Job is what it is.   I am not in the epic hell job wise I was in before, but I think I wish my job at worked out in the south.  I was more passionate about it.   I don't want to buy a place here because I have zero desire to spend 250k for a 500 sq foot box in the sky.   Don't know what else to say.  Everything is what it is.  I am neither here nor there with much of anything.  I just don't much care. Shrug.  My "spark" is just not there anymore.  I am definitely not myself.....I guess this year has changed me. 

Today as I froze running, I decided to think of what today means however.  It means that socialist or not, this country is free.  Both my countries are free, and I am thankful for that.  Thankful for the people who faught for freedom.  A lot of blood has been shed for freedom that I take liberally and take for granted.   So important to remember that: and thank of the things that I am thankful for. There is always something for which to be thankful. (Like the CMA's tonight......good stuff).

It is a constant battle:  to say either God is in control or not.    To say that it's His plan and His best or not.  I don't really understand why this is all such a struggle.  I'm not trying to be a pain in the butt, not trying to fight, not trying any of that.  I am not trying to be unmoldable, or something that can not be used due to stubborness.   I don't think I'm in a "pit" of depression or anything.  Just.....frustrated.....  Trying to keep focused on what I am thankful for.  To keep track of the things God is trying to speak to me, speak to my heart.   So being here, there must be a reason.   Things to keep chippin away at on this part of the journey, and be open to be used by Him, regardless of circumstance or where......Whatever....

It is what it is.

I guess that is why I came into BSF at exactly this lesson:  To see that He IS who He says He is...that He IS the God of miracles.  That He is there even when the waves are hard and the seas rough, that He works in in the unseen and the unknown.  

..........................shrug.

When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.

CHORUS:

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Week one comes to a close.  One of my Lafayette guys was up for half the week:  a welcome distraction. BSF, and Reigh's visit has also kept my mind off of what is really happening.   But it's sinking into the very depths of my bones....literally.

Before I left Houston, I was running 10-15km no problem.  It did take me about a year to fully climatise to the heat and humidity, but once I did, I was doing great.  I was healthy there...never sick in Houston, and any physical ailments that I did have, were soley enduced from massive work stress.  Yes I managed to add a few lbs to the muffin top, but that could have been worked out.   Things were good there.

Here....running 10km nearly killed me.  Breathing in the freezing air burned my throat like fire.  The icy winds and air were like daggers in my lungs provoking horrible sharp pains in my sides.   And the pain that followed after the run?  Never had anything like that before.  The cold here makes my bones ache.  It is a horrible deep aching pain.  It's spreading all over.  Everything hurts.  That part kind of sucks.  Having purple feet from loss of circulation also sucks.   When I say I hate cold, it's not just me being all wimpy pants.  My body physically rejects it. 

The part that stings the most though are the questions.  The "WHY are you back?"   "HOW LONG are you back?"  "But you LOVE Texas...??"  

I do love Texas.  More than I can ever say.  I miss my state. I miss friends there. I miss living there already.  It hurts.  I just want to go HOME.  All my friends know how much I don't want to be here (and I mean not to offend them).   It was literally like me with my death grip on the carpet while God dragged me out of there.  I had to choose to walk the threshold though, which I did with much bitterness.  No one wants to be here less than I do.

How long I am apart from my state:  who knows.  How long I am here...ha ha.  Who knows. Can I leave tomorrow?  It's funny.  I have zero interest in being here at all, and yet this is where it's pretty obvious that I am supposed to be.  It's almost been too easy:  I have a hockey team back, a BSF group right away, it's awesome to see family and friends, the job is sooooo much better for me.  (Can not thank God enough for a different job.  Now that I am really out of it, I see it was the epitome of HELL.  I shudder even thinking about it), my stuff is actually ALL here aleady.  I sit here and go WTF.  I know all the issues I had with becoming American and getting my stuff there.  It's like I didn't even have to try to make it work here.  Minus my body revolting against it.  I don't think I can handle this bone ache thing.  Seriously.  I can't sleep.

Why I am back?  How the heck would I know?  This is the last place I wanted to come back to.  I didn't choose this.  The fact I am even standing in this city is whole and soley a testimony of God's existence.  NOTHING would have brought me back otherwise.  One friend was so astounded at my being here that she said, "Wow, does God ever work in strange ways.  What are you doing here? This is like......."  Agreed dear friend. Agreed.  It's shocking.  I am still in shock.

Isn't it exciting though?  When everything is going fully opposite of everything you want and everywhere you want to be, then God has a reason.  I hope I find out that reason soon.  The sooner I can get all of this done, the sooner I can go home to warm Texas.  Again, there are good things here, I am thankful for those things.  But I can not, for the life of me, understand WHY I am back here.  Unless it was punishment for mistakes, I can't understand it.

Arise

God sometimes asks us to do something that we do NOT want to do. 

Is there an area of unwillingness in your life?  Something you are unwilling to give up?

Sometimes there are events which happen in our lives.  The event itself hurts us once, and yet we allow it to continually come back and hurt and haunt us; meaning we are hurting ourselves with the event, not the other way around.  We have to let the event go and not let the event harm us over and over.

God's will is to restore broken and hurting people to spiritual wholeness.  Jesus did not allow the actions of others to hinder Him from continuing to do God's will.

Stop saying "my".  My plans, my purpose, my will, my hopes.  One must not seek or consult their own will, but the will of He who sent them.

Spiritual wholeness comes from surrendering our will and embracing God's will.

When we ask God for wisdom, we can trust that He will give it to us.  When we ask, in faith, we need to trust that He will open and close the doors as necessary.   If you choose not to believe, then you are responsible for your own disbelief.  It is NOT His responsiblity to make it "easier" for you believe.  Why can't you just believe it?  What is it you want more than Him?  God is not a God that is going to soothe our wounded egos or soothe our sorrow when we choose disbelief.  He is the God that says, "ARISE!"

***********************************

What I see is this:  Calgary is not death this time.  I had to die.  There was no choice.  But had I stayed, I would have died anyway.  Had I choosen to hold on to my beloved Texas (and I believe I am allowed to say "my" in this case), I think life would have only flatlined.  A shift had to come.  God has choosen that my "shift" bring me back to a place I never, ever intended to return to.  And though I have NO intention to stay, it is not up to me. 

What is up to me now is to say I let go. I lost that which I held most dear.  The sun and love of the south: where I have always wanted to be.  All my life I just wanted to go to the south.  To see Texas, Louisiana, the southern states, etc.  I am pretty certain my heart will bleed "Texan" for as long as I live.  (My heart to my state today in the tragedy......thoughts and prayers).   I will always consider Texas to be home.  So many cool things:  saw the Astros, the Aeros, the Rockets, the Texans, got to go on the field when the Texans and Saints played, saw homeruns, played hockey in a mall, saw cool places, a LIVE armadillo on the road, blue bells in spring, a hurricane, a tornado, a flood, a drunk driving accident, Galveston, Corpus, San An, Austin, big D, Htown, Louisiana, swamps, walked on a rig, sat in the drillers chair, had a dream job that become the ultimate job from hell, made beautiful wonderful friends, hung with homeless people in a carwash, learned to love, learned to hate, and probably learned the most horrifically painful lesson of my life...... but I lived in Houston, Texas.  And I think that is so damn cool.   This past year and a half killed me.  It did.  I don't think anyone would have survived.  So God is bringing me back, ironically to the place I had to flee, in order to bring me back to life.   Next time I leave, I will leave properly, and next time I move, I will bring every lesson I have learned, so that I never die the same way again.

I will trust what I don't see.   I will say it even though I don't believe. Trust in spite of the harrowing pain.  Who knows what God will choose.  I can't honestly say that I believe God has His best for me here.  That I trust Him in this.  That I am thankful to be here.  That this is His will.  I can't say I am not angry at God for bringing me here either.   But I will SAY it.  And SAY it again, and again, and again because it's right.

And one day.....one day.......I will see, I will believe, and I will understand.

^{Isaiah 60: 1}ARISE [from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you--rise to a new life]! Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!  (Amplified).

I don't really know what to say.  

I have managed to hold my tongue, try to keep an open mind, try to be still, gauge things, whatever.  Today the relocator tried to help me find a place to live.   Into every place I walked: I felt out of place, they were yucky doo (I think), and they were not home.  I am numb...I won't cry. All I could think of was my huge apartment, granite countertops, my washer, my dryer, my huge closet, warm happy Texan sun: I want to go home.  I feel physically SICK.

So this past week?

Yes, my own private personal nightmare from hell became a living reality on Halloween none the less.  The questions make me squirm.   You are back?  Seriously? Permanently or for how long?  Are you glad to be back?  What will you be doing?  I thought you were in love with Texas?  What really happened in Texas?  Why the hell would you ever LEAVE because I totally would have stayed there if I were you.  Weren't you happy there?   It's like nails grating on a chalkboard every day.

What do people want to know?  Shall I share my soul? How I was virtually dry heaving while they packed every dream of mine into a box to ship it to an ice land?  While they hauled baby car away?  How I humiliatingly collapsed into my mother's arms in heaving sobs at the airport upon arrival?   How I opened my email when I got to my parents to find a job interview booked for Wednesday in Houston? How my enemies gloat at my disdainful suffering? How they thrive to watch me hurt and struggle? How they laugh at my misfortune and think that I got what I deserved?  How people just want to offer hallow advice for how to fix me, how I need to just trust God, and believe and blah blah.  Thank you for trying to be here, but no words from any person will ever save the day.  You can not fix me, you can not fix this, you can not ease my sorrow.  You can not give me a bandaid and hope the bleeding will stop.  Do I not have the same bandaid box to pull from?

What does it matter?   If you knew me before, then know I died that day: the day the plane took me away.  I am different now. Shocked. Numb.  I don't feel; neither excitement nor pain.  I couldn't care less about what does or doesn't happen.  I couldn't care less what other people think about it or think about me. It doesn't matter anymore.  So who cares if I want to go home now?  Who cares how many tears have fallen?  So what.  It's over.  I, as I knew myself, I do not exist.  She is gone. 

A coworker that I don't even know came up to me today and summed it up:  "I want you know, it wasn't your fault.  The south is weird.  We know how it is down there.  You lost everything before you even left and you didn't have a chance at all.  You are from corporate office, you're a Canadian, you're female, which is the worst strike against you and......." he trailed off as he looked me up and down.   I get it.  Thanks. No one sees me as human.  I'm....discardable and disposable. And I learned THAT one to the core this year, didn't I? 

I am out of sorts so bad I can hardly think.  Yes, job wise, this is so much better for me.  But you could have had me cleaning toliets in Taco Bell and it would have been better for me.   I am very homesick for my Houston. I don't want to be here.  I am not home here.  This place feels....off.  I feel off.

It's NOT ok...it's different.  Ok is what happens when people get to keep what they want and keep going on the same path in spite of harrowing trial.  Ok is not my path on this one.   Once you have walked the path of "different"  you must go through a season of acceptance; that you and your life have forever changed.  Once that happens, there is a new "ok".  A new "normal".  But no this is not "OK".   

I am NOT ok about this year, or anything that happened.  I am NOT ok that I left Texas.  Not even a little bit close on either of them.  I never will be.   This is why I, as I knew myself, needed to die.  I understand now that I could not go on there as I was.  It had to change.  I had to change: and the only way I could change was to let go, fall apart and pretty much die. 

I will go home one day.   When I do return home to the south, it will be a different place for me, and I a different person for it.  No man can cross the same river twice....because neither the man, nor the river are the same.  Maybe then things will finally have been the way they should have been for me all along.   And maybe I too will be who and what I should have been all along, and who and what God intended for me to be.

I know He's with me.  I know I'm not alone, inspite of the fact I have never felt this awful in my whole life.  But I tell ya.....this is.......unspeakable right now.   I thank God that at least the job helps me forget everything.  I would completely drown otherwise. Just close my eyes...and let me forget.

I cried out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.