Reclimatizing.....

Not everyone has the same side effects from it.  I think I am getting a bad dose of it however.  I still struggle to run and play hockey.  My hair is breaking and falling out.  My long nails have turned brittle and all broke off.  My skin is scaley and flakey and cracks and bleeds.  This is especially fun when the patches of itchy skin end up on your face.  I am a sight to behold.  I have never been so cold in my life.

I feel like I am under a microscope here.  Everyone is watching.  Wondering.  Thinking thoughts.  Some not so silently.    Asking questions...

We all go through certain phases in our Christian walk.  You know that fun phase where God might be speaking, but you still feel very distant from God?  That's about where I'm at.   I feel a bit like I am swimming in a big black hole.  I knew it would be like this before I ever got here.  I knew exactly that was waiting for me on this end.  All my former work friends, former life, former everything.     I am thankful to be with some of my former friends again.  Always good to see the girls....  and some things....  I wonder when I will finally exit "stupid".  Stupid is just.....so many things are just stupid. 

So many people ask me why, if I love Texas and Europe so much, why I am here.  I know it's almost been 3 weeks, but....I still think this is a big mistake.   It's not going to get easier.  It's not going to get better.  

I look forward so much to "this" time passing.  This month is really tough.  In a number of ways.  Sometimes I look at my blog entries from a year ago and just shake my head.    It's messed up.  But it's reality.  You make the best of it, but it sucks.  All of it.  

Stupid lies...so many things stupid.

Tornerai

dimmi che tornerai , tornerai tornerai
ancora non lo sai , non lo sai , non lo sai
dimmi che tornerai , tornerai
casomai potremo fare il sogno piu bello che mai..x2

ti vedevo cosi sola e mi chiedevo se il tuo viso
potra vivere ogni istante con il mio
e guardantoti negli occhi ho trovato una luce
che non riesco piu a mardarla via

sto dondolando su di un groove che mi spinge
con il sound di una cassa a basso voce
luci stroboscopiche

dimmi che lavoro fai
dove abiti
ma dai
in questo posto io non ti ci vedo mai

Chorus :

tutti che ci guardano
mentre io ti parlo nell'orecchio
e tu che balli e ridi , balli e ridi , balli e ridi
è l'unica volta che mi perdo in una lotta di pensieri quasi pieni di follia

dai usciamo via da qui
ci sediamo un po , ma si
sei da sola
il fidanzato non ce l'hai

oltre ad essere lo sai
un bel sogno se vorrai
una fiaba solo se non te ne vai

Chorus :

You better take it from me,
That boy is like a disease
You’re running, you’re tired, you’re trying to hide
And you’re wondering why you can’t get free
He’s like a curse he’s like a drug.
You get addicted to his love.
You wanna get out but he’s holding you down ‘Cause you can’t live without one more touch.

Chorus:
He’s a good time cowboy Casanova; leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery
He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight
You better run for your life

I see that look on your face, you ain’t hearing what I say
So I’ll say it again ‘cause I’ve been where you’ve been and I know how it ends, you can’t get away
Don’t even look in his eyes, he’ll tell you nothing but lies
And you wanna believe, but you won’t be deceived if you listen to me and take my advice

Chorus:
He’s a good time cowboy Casanova; leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery
He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight
You better run for your life

Run, run, run away don’t let him mess with your mind
He’ll tell you anything you wanna hear
He’ll break your heart it’s just a matter of time
But just remember-

Chorus:
He’s a good time cowboy Casanova leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery
He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight
You better run for your life

Oh you better run for your life,
Oh you better run for your life

Was looking at condos with friends today (not for me).  It was....interesting.  1 bedroom condos are considered cheap if they are under 200k.  The other place, a more luxurious happy place, had one bedrooms up in the 300k range.  I tried as much as I could to keep an open mind about considering doing the same for myself in about 9 months time, but just the thought of buying a condo here for that price makes me want to break out in hives.  No WAY do I want to do that. 

For starters, although it is so awesome to be back with friends and family, I know I don't really want to live here.  That sortive puts a damper on things. 

Not only that, but I know what kind of HOUSE I was looking at in west Houston for cheaper than that.

So no....I don't even want to think about it.

I will save my money for my HOUSE for when I go back home.

I don't like hives anyway.

Get in the Boat....

BSF...another cowboy boot to the rear.  But it was aimed right at the heart, right where God needed to hit me most:

-Angry at certain people:  It doesn't matter if I am 1600 miles away, I'm mad.  But these people need prayer.  So I will need to stop viewing them as a pain in the neck: and see them as people in pain that need prayer.  I have to let it go, these irritating women that God allowed me to cross paths with.  And see them through His eyes.  Why didn't I pray that prayer there? 

- When God gives us tests, He already knows the outcome of the test: if we will pass or fail.  He is testing to reveal to US things about ourselves; to show us where we are at in our faith.  Can someone pass me a tissue?  Can we say "Hello Texas Test"?   God knew I was going to fail.  God knew that it was the LAST thing on earth I wanted to do: fail THAT test.  But I did, and He already knew. I would have rathered never go to Texas at all, than to fail that test. That broke me. And my anger at Him for bringing me there to "fail" my test sent me into a headlong tailspin that I am still fighting like mad to come out of.  I didn't think (surprise!) to ask what He was trying to show me about myself (besides I suck and am an awful person) and about my faith in Him.  While yes, failure brought me to my knees and brought me closer to God, it also made one hell of a wedge.  What did I learn? Where did my faith grow? Where did it not grow?  What was He trying to show me about myself?   Somewhat thankful for the failed test: That deep huge jagged scar will remain and poke for the rest of my life.....and I will use it to protect me from here on end.  It is not there to hinder me and destroy me or make me ugly.  It is now my shield....and for now it comes with me everyday on my floor. 

- Often we are in a place, or situation, or circumstance, and we thank God AFTER the miracle of His provision has occured.  What do I need to thank God for in ADVANCE?  What situation do I need to give to God and say, "I have no idea how you will work this out, but I thank You for how You will provide" ?   Brightest crayon in the box that I am, I am certain this is not pertaining to me winning the Texas lottery, or anything like that.  But rather maybe, "God I thank you for what you will do in and through me here.  I thank you that you will help me to accept and survive being here...maybe even thrive...?"

- Is your fear crowding out your faith?  Are you asking Him to HELP you, or are you leaving him out?  Are you inviting Him in?  Is He right beside you but you don't see Him because He is working in a way you don't expect?  Are you expecting God to show up?      I didn't ask God for help this time.  I didn't even think about it:  Help to accept being here.  Probably my own stubborn pants self as I do NOT want to even consider accepting being here.  I very violently oppose it.  Almost to the point of intense bitterness.  And that is no secret to anyone.  I do NOT want to be here!  But it doesn't matter.  

The disciples were in a boat.....rowing like mad against a storm.  Jesus showed up.  Jesus got into the boat and immediately the storm ceased and they were at their destination.  Jesus...my new prayer, "Just please get into the boat.  Get into the boat now please....."  

Texas wasn't all that....and I know that.  My life flatlined there.  But I still loved being there...I miss it horribly, and I can't wait to go back home there.  Now that the onions and tears are slowly subsiding, I know in my heart, that it is a better life for me here.....for right now.  I hate it.....I hate that this is better.  I wanted it to be better there and a lot of things I liked better there.  But......Nothing really worked out there.  Everything that could have gone wrong, did.   Here I have a lot of really awesome people in my life.  Good friends in and out of work, I have BSF, I have a job that is not killing me and destroying me, I have my family.   I have good things.  I am slowly starting to accept this.  I don't believe for a minute that I am here long term.  It's for a time.  (Gypsy queen I am after all!)  But during this time, I don't want to waste it being Debbie Downer, Nancy Nincompoop, or Sally Stubborn-Heart.   I'm tired of crying anyway.  It's been by far the most tear filled year of my life, and I am so tired of be conjoined to a Kleenex box.  Not only is a box unbecoming of a female figure, but I want to live now.   It's time now that I have drained the Gulf of Mexico dry. 

Reminds me of that Esther study yet again.   "Even if __________ (insert worst fear here), then what?  Then GOD."

Even if you send me back to Calgary, then God.

I am here.  Going backwards in life while everyone is going forward.....heartbroken beyond anything.....

And now God.